Being a mom and a wife is truly an honor that I don’t take for granted. The truth is it can be difficult to manage all the responsibilities that come with having a family of five. After ten years of marriage and three children later, I have learned the value of letting things go. The world wasn’t going to end because we didn’t vacuum that weekend.
I discovered how to let things go and started giving my husband credit for trying his best. I realized that just because tasks weren’t completed the way I wanted them to be, didn’t make them wrong. My way was not the only way things needed to get done. When I hear things like “the wife is always right,” or “do it her way and don’t ask any questions”. I’m not sure why these sayings are so popular, but they are misguided. I think those unhealthy thinking patterns can set couples up to fail.
There are two couples that I know who are going through a divorce because of their inability to communicate effectively with one another. Couples are heading to divorce because their egos are getting in the way of meeting in the middle. Both parties are standing their ground and feel justified in their position.
I was married when I was in my mid-20s. I learned pretty quickly that I could be right, or I could be happy. To be happily married you have to decide that you want to be happy more than you want to be right. Rather than listing all the things that your husband is not doing or could be doing. The best way to inspire him to work with you is to give him grace.
The one exercise that helped me tame my tongue before speaking was asking myself a series of questions. So before you speak, complain, whine, nag, or disagree, ask yourself this:
1. Was he trying to be helpful when he __________?
2. Was he purposely trying to hurt me when he __________?
3. Did he do the best he could with the information and skills he possessed_________?
4. Was his heart in the right place when he ____________?
5. What was his core agenda or intention for doing _________?
You’d be surprised how powerful it is to notice the intention behind your husband’s actions instead of focusing on the outcome. So if he attempted to mop the kitchen floor and left some strikes. Ask yourself did he purposefully leave strikes on the floor so that he could hear you scream and yell at him when you got home?
Too many people think that the grass is greener on the other side. They quickly find that every marriage has peaks and valleys. You shouldn’t give up because you’re in a valley. A new relationship will not prevent you from arguing or disagreeing about certain things. It is worth it to find a way to communicate in a way that honors you both. If he loses or feels defeated, you lose too.
It is always good to reach out for help and not simmer in silence. You’re the only one who knows if underneath all the things you are bicker about if he’s a good man with a good heart. I don’t know about you but finding someone with a good heart and a character to match is irreplaceable. I want to encourage you to work through your issues and point out the things that he does well. Magically, he will start doing more things well, because that’s where you put your focus.
Have you tried giving your husband credit for trying his best? How did he react?
|This post was written by Queenette Nwobodo . Queenette is a relationship coach who lives in New York City with her husband of 10 years and their three children. She helps women craft new stories that identify and eliminate unhelpful thinking patterns that impede in their ability to enjoy healthy relationships. Her website is www.loveamaka.com and you can connect with her on social media everywhere as loveamaka.|